As John Lennon had it, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.

And as this culture continues the gruelling, methodical work of devastating our world in the face of all wisdom, and I accordingly work at preparing this winter’s Deeper Dive into Surviving the Future, I actually want to write here about something more personal than my usual themes!

You see, lately I’ve been giving a lot of time to my relationship with my wonderful girlfriend Anna (of HAWXX fame), and she recently put something in what seems to me a rather revolutionary way.  In her words:

“I wouldn’t say that I endorse this feeling,
but I am feeling quite jealous over this.”

That immediately struck me as a disarming and downright helpful way of expressing oneself!

Faced with such feelings she could have just acted annoyed (making us both miserable!) or simply complained of her jealousy (likely inviting defensive responses from me about whether it’s appropriate or justified).  Instead though, her comment put her own uncomfortable feelings on the table in clear view alongside an acknowledgement from the outset that she herself didn’t necessarily approve of them.

Which transformed the feeling of the whole conversation; indeed, the whole day!  With one seemingly magic word she invited us to look at the situation together — side-by-side — rather than facing off about it.  Because while we might — and in this case did — agree that some particular feeling isn’t justified, we also both recognised that its presence is regardless always both valid and deeply important. That our feelings need to be acknowledged (even honoured) and addressed if we’re both to feel seen, happy and well.

Through that simple use of ‘endorsed’ or ‘unendorsed’ with regard to her feelings, then, instead of conflict we found ourselves feeling warm and close — co-conspirators discussing together how best to resolve that discomfort, and what might be required of each of us to achieve that shared goal.

There’s a bravery to it, of course — openly acknowledging the parts of ourselves that we’re not necessarily proud of.

Yet the simple act of sharing our unendorsed feelings without perceiving or creating any need to justify them — dragging them into the light, rather than letting them skulk insidiously in the dark! — often itself strips them of much of their power.  They come under our control, rather than controlling us like puppets from the shadows of our unconscious, or our past.

Indeed, being able to talk through and examine their true roots together often seems to lead to the realisation that they’re not necessarily much about our relationship at all.  Which again leaves us both on the same side in tenderly healing old wounds and minimising their impact.

Not to mention feeling deeply seen and loved and close!

To be clear, like any couple, we have our share of fully endorsed frustrations and challenges to discuss as well.  But the simple use of the word “unendorsed” where appropriate has been transformative in distinguishing between the two, and so making everything far more enjoyable!

Of course there’s the middle ground too:

I’m not sure whether I endorse what I’m about to say, but…

And even there this language is helpful, inviting a friendly conversation on the extent to which a feeling might or might not be justified, or where it may be coming from.  Suffice to say, I’m a fan!

Incidentally, having mentioned Anna’s term to several friends, the universal response seems to be “oh my God, I’m totally stealing that!”.

So all in all — being more a gift economy kind of guy! — I thought I’d share it quickly here for anyone else who might find it as helpful as we do.  After all, better relationships are about as key as anything could be to collective resilience and playing our part in re-shaping the future.

Huh, maybe it’s not so off-topic after all! ?